What Happens After I Take My Own Life?

It could be done in any way. Jumping into a rocky river and fantasize how it would be to hit the rocks. It could be jumping off a tall building. It could also be taking pills, a lot of them. Another possibility is hanging yourself. Burn yourself. Or cut your wrist. Oh, jumping in front of a car is also an option.

I think choosing one of these options is based on your mood, how depressed you are. How you want to end it and how you want to be found. No one wants to do such horrible acts, but sometimes it just gets too much. And when it gets to that too much, you no longer feel anything. You are numb. You don’t care about anything. Nothing at all. The things that once excited you, no longer mean much. In your point of view, life becomes pointless, meaningless. A void will be made inside. You think that you are a waste of time and space. You firmly believe that life would be better without you because it feels like no one cares about you. Then you start to wonder, “Why should I be here?”

When you jump into that rocky river, your head will hit that giant rock and life will immediately leave your body. You get what you’ve wanted for the past few weeks, or months, in the worst case scenario, years. If it’s done in a crowded place and at a time where there are people, they will rush to get you out. Out of that redness made with the liquid from your body. They will put your lifeless body on the side while dialing the police. Meanwhile, they ask around if anyone knows you. 

After some investigation, the police will find your family and the news of your passing will be passed on to them. Of course, your family won’t believe that because you’ve always seemed happy. You looked like you got your shit together. You used to advise people. People came to you when they needed help. It just can’t be. It has to be a joke. But after some time, they realize it is not a joke, it is real. You’ve really done what the police told them. Your mom will collapse. Your dad will become speechless. Their world darkens. At first, they can’t even cry, they freeze. Your siblings will not be able to breathe and shake their heads and repeat, “No, no! It can’t be!” And tears will run down their eyes like the river you ended everything in. 

That horrible news will be spread in a very short time. Within hours, your face will be trending on social media. Everyone will love you. They will write heartbreaking things about you. Praying that your family goes through this tragedy easily. People who don’t know you will comment RIP. Those who hadn’t contacted you in years will remember you. People will start being careful around your family. They will try to say nice things and not sound like they offend you. There will be another group of people who blames you without realizing what was happening in your life. Some will put it on your family and tell them, “How didn’t you know that?”

This will hurt your friends. They will weep for days. They’ll feel weak without you. When they miss you, they will grab their phone to call you. But guess what? They can’t, because you’re no longer there. The friend who used to talk to you almost every day will re-read your texts and maybe even texts you telling you that they miss you, but to no avail. Your employee will show their support to your colleagues and your family, and sure, soon enough will find a replacement. Because life doesn’t end there. The planet doesn’t stop rotating. In a few months time, your friends will slowly get used to your absence. Their social media memory reminders will remind them of you. You will become the past. 

The ones that will not forget you are your family members. Your parents will spend the rest of their lives wondering. They will ask themselves, “How didn’t we see that?”, “Was our child in pain?”, “Was there a problem we weren’t aware of?” They will spend nights staying awake crying in silence. Coming to your room smelling your clothes in hopes to catch a glimpse of you. Wrinkles will appear on their faces earlier than it should. But no amount of crying or visiting your empty room will bring you back to them. Your family members are also likely to drift apart from one another. Do you want them to go through all this? 

They may not be aware of what you’re going through because you are great at faking a smile. You may drop hints from there and here, but just because someone is close to you, doesn’t mean they will understand what you mean. As I said, maybe they aren’t expecting you to be going through these negative feelings because you’ve always been the source of positivity. Please don’t blame them for not getting your hints. This world is getting busier each passing day, we all have something to deal with. Please, if you’re having dark thoughts, seek help from a trusted person. Please don’t think negatively. Don’t think no one cares. You are worthy of being here. Your existence matters. You matter.